Mine

Every time I log in here, I'm always shocked that there are even more visitors than there was the last time I posted, because honestly, I've been crazy busy and I know I've been like that annoying girlfriend you had in high school who you only really saw when she wasn't in a relationship, because the minute she'd get a boyfriend, she'd disappear and you'd kind of forget what she looked like for a while.

That was rambling and a little incoherent, but I'm sorry I've neglected you for a new boyfriend, dear readers.

Things have been a little hectic.  I got into this photography thing thinking Who in the world is going to pay me money for this?  Aren't there photographers on, like, every corner now?, and it turns out that yes, there are photographers on every corner, but it's still pretty hard to be a good one, so the demand is more than one would think.  There's a fair possibility that my recent craziness will die down in a few months when I'm no longer the new girl, but for now it's all weddings-and-seniors-and-homecoming-and-bright-shiny-new-lenses-oh-my!

It's been a lot of fun playing and learning and metamorphosing - I've gotten very lucky in finding some great people and opportunities along the way.

One thing about this photography thing, though, is that you tend to take fewer photos of your own life, while you're so busy capturing everyone else's.  I'm not sure if it's lack of time, or perfectionism (grainy Instagram snaps make me shudder now.  SHUDDER, I SAY), but my kids--who were the instigation for all of this lunacy--are now logging fewer and fewer hours in front of my camera.  Using a photo challenge as an excuse tonight, though, I managed to sneak in some snaps of them.

Since implementing an eye contact protocol at the age of two, little C has been relatively good at making (and maintaining) eye contact, for the most part.  When I got my camera, though, I began to notice that the camera's eye was somehow more intimidating than the human one.  He is game, upon prompting, for squinting, saying cheese, and baring his teeth for me...but that's about all that I get.  Maybe part of the reason I don't take as many photos of the two of them is that I dread being forced to face how difficult photos still are for Little C.  After two or three clicks of the shutter, he inevitably declares, "No more pictures, okay?"

It's not really a request, but he has the tact to frame it as one, at least.

For the photo challenge "Eyes" tonight, I couldn't help but be struck by the juxtaposition of my two children.  For one, attention is a natural attraction.  He craves it--is on a constant, inexhaustible quest for it.  Positive, negative, doesn't matter.  Look at me, look at me! is proclaimed in every skip of his feet, every flashing grin.

Little C, though, wants to do his own thing - Things to do, Mom, things to do.  The camera comes out, and while Big C is leaping in front of it, Little C retreats...and my heart breaks a little.  It's a constant balancing act between stretching his boundaries, and respecting his need to feel comfortable in his own home, for me.  In the end, I get photos of him doing what he does--and these are the images I'll have in my head for years to come, anyway.  He is happy here--working hard all day to make the progress he has, I tell myself he deserves to kick back with his iPad and run from the camera when he gets home, dammit.

I guess a photo of my baby's big, beautiful green eyes is going to remain sort of my great white whale for a while, though.

“It is not down on any map; true places never are.” 

― Herman Melville, Moby-Dick; or, The Whale